By The Contemplative Genealogist©™
On a day of burial there is no perspective – for space itself is annihilated. Your dead friend is still a fragmentary being. The day you bury him is a day of chores and crowds, of hands false or true to be shaken, of the immediate cares of mourning. The dead friend will not really die until tomorrow, when silence is round you again. Then he will show himself complete, as he was – to tear himself away, as he was, from the substantial you. Only then will you cry out because of him who is leaving and whom you cannot detain. – Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Wise words from the sage of many a childhood – and from someone who had clearly lost someone close to him. But while death is often a shattering experience for the loved ones left behind, it can also become a catalyst for the living – offering opportunities for estranged relatives or friends to reconnect and reflect on their respective personal journeys, as well as on the life of the departed. The passing of a loved one also provides an important opening – to share the narrative of that loved one’s life with the world through an obituary published in a newspaper or preserved online in perpetuity via a cemetery record website, such as Find A Grave.
Online cemetery record websites such as Find A Grave and Billion Graves have become, over the past decade, increasingly popular tools for professional genealogists and hobbyists, as well as for grieving families and their trusted funeral directors. Millions of men, women, children (and even pets) have been memorialized with thousands more honored each day.
Labeling themselves “gravers,” regular users of such online memorial sites are genuine cemetery enthusiasts. Often unrelated to the departed, they take great pride in their volunteer efforts to preserve the history of towns across America by posting memorials online for each of the decedents interred at individual burial sites or documenting, through their photography and legwork, the exquisite stained glass art of crypts in distinctive cities of the dead or unusual headstone carvings in the lesser known resting places of average Americans.
Their work is deeply appreciated by beginning and experienced family historians who, for reasons of time and money, are unable to visit the many far flung cemeteries where distant ancestors are interred. The memorials they create also often bring comfort to surviving family members when they realize that someone has taken the time to remember special loved ones. The photographs posted often present stirring examples of graves lovingly tended and of departed whose lives have been obscured by the sands of time.
Unfortunately, the work of a few gravers has come into question over the past several years. A handful, who are oddly competitive and termed by their fellow gravers as “hard core,” seem to have been more concerned with racking up the largest possible number of posted memorials on their favorite websites rather than accurately conveying the details of the graves they have been “documenting.”
In their haste to create a cemetery’s worth of memorials or “get there first” with respect to posting memorials following the publication of obituaries, these overzealous gravers have posted online profiles for individuals before funerals and interments have even been completed, as well as memorials for others who haven’t even yet died. A number of these gravers have also failed to document the relationships between individuals buried in the same cemetery by taking the simple step of linking the online profiles of husbands to wives and of parents to their children before moving on to create another memorial. Others have posted incorrect birth or death dates for decedents, causing confusion for genealogists, historians and members of the media engaged in research.
But most upsetting to many has been the work of those who have posted content about deceased individuals which has shocked and saddened surviving family and friends. Several gravers have posted morbid death scene photos while others have taken the liberty of photographing their dogs sitting or standing on graves – graves of individuals to whom they are not even related. Others, not understanding the spiritual traditions of the dead they are documenting, place flowers or other materials on graves before photographing – in violation of a cemetery’s rules or a religion’s tenets.
In one instance several years ago, a graver posted details on a man’s memorial about the woman who had killed him. Had this graver done a quick Internet search before posting the “facts” of the departed’s death, the poster would have learned that the woman (also now deceased) had not murdered her husband, but had shot him in self-defense after he had first shot her in an attempt to take her life. She had suffered severe abuse at his hands for years before that fateful night, and had told police that the gun went off accidentally as she was trying to get the gun away from him to prevent him from killing her. Upon her passing, friends and family noted that she had rebuilt her life after the tragedy, and had contributed greatly to her community through her public service efforts.
In another case, sadly, a different graver “memorialized” a woman who had been shot and killed by her ex-husband in church. Rather than honoring the victim by describing her 30-year career as a beloved educator in a small town, this graver chose to fill the deceased woman’s memorial space with details about the man who had taken this gifted teacher’s life.
Adding Insult to Injury
As shocking as these and other examples of unkind behavior toward the departed are, they have been compounded by the puzzling reactions of callous gravers who seem not to understand the pain such “memorials” inflict on the families and friends of those who stumble across postings about their loved ones. When asked by family or friends to remove or revise these memorials, many of these seemingly hardhearted gravers have refused, citing a variety of confusing rules from online cemetery registries which allegedly vest them with the authority to post whatever they believe to be appropriate.
Photos of graves posted online are perfectly fine, they say, because cemeteries are public places and they are simply trying to be thorough and accurate. Several have also claimed that it is acceptable for them to place whatever items they want on graves they photograph because they do not personally adhere to the same religious beliefs of the individuals they are documenting. Most frustrating is that, when asked to transfer memorials to family members who wish to add additional information about their loved ones, several of these gravers have also refused to cooperate.
What is readily apparent to many who have witnessed this controversy play out in online forums over the years is that much of this discomfort and disagreement could have easily been avoided by simply asking, “If someone posted this about my mom or my child, would that upset me or someone else in our family?”
Whether we are professional genealogists or hobbyists, it is important to understand that, just because we can post something about someone who has passed on, doesn’t mean we should. It is vital that gravers hold themselves to a higher standard – and for the owners of sites like Find A Grave to ensure that they do. With that in mind, The Contemplative Genealogist©™ offers these tips for appropriately memorializing someone who has passed away.
Tips:
1. Be respectful. Know and adhere to the specific rules of each cemetery you are visiting. Jogging, for example, is not permitted at Arlington National Cemetery, and bicycles and motorcycles are not allowed elsewhere. Many cemeteries also prohibit the placement of balloons, candles, toys, and other tokens at grave sites, and restrict the planting of shrubs or trees. Still others regulate the placement of real and artificial flowers and the times when holiday remembrances may be left.
2. Honor the spiritual traditions of those whose graves you are visiting. According to The Jewish Funeral Guide:
“It is forbidden to treat the cemetery lightly and derive any kind of benefit from the graves … levity and undignified behavior, is unacceptable in the presence of the dead in general and in the Jewish cemetery in particular. The solemn atmosphere of the cemetery requires appropriate conduct from all visitors…. Eating and drinking is not allowed…. Sitting on a gravestone, which directly covers a grave is prohibited. One may, however, sit near the graves. One should avoid stepping on a grave, unless there is no alternative way to access other graves or to perform burials. It is customary to request forgiveness of the deceased if one must step on his or her grave…. Upon entering and leaving the cemetery, it is customary to wash one’s hands using a cup of water poured alternately on each hand.” And if “the scheduled visit falls on the Sabbath or on a Jewish Holiday,” adds the funeral guide “it should be rescheduled…. The Jewish custom is not to bring flowers or floral wreaths to the graves. Instead, when taking leave of the deceased, one should place a small stone upon the grave.”
3. Leave Fido at home or in the car. Most cemeteries do not allow pets. Perhaps more importantly, while many family and friends of deceased individuals are dog friendly, a fair number would be distressed to learn that dogs have been sitting on or roaming over their loved ones’ graves. If you feel that it is not safe for you to visit a cemetery alone, bring a human rather than a furry friend. If this is not possible – or if you will be bringing a trained guide dog or other service animal to assist you, use a leash and keep your animal from wandering onto any graves. And above all, if you’re photographing a grave for a memorial site such as Find A Grave, do not take or post pictures of graves showing your animal on the grave you have been asked to photograph.
4. Do not post data on websites such as Find A Grave for pre-need gravesites set up by individuals in advance of their death. Memorials for individuals who have not yet passed on are not permitted by many online cemetery registries for very good reason. “Gravers” jumping the gun can cause confusion for genealogists, news reporters and other researchers who may accidentally spread inaccurate information about someone’s passing, and may also cause undue worry for family members, such as nieces and nephews, who reside far away from a memorialized individual and may be shocked to learn of a favored aunt or uncle’s passing – when that individual is actually still alive and well.
5. Wait a few days until after the funeral to post a decedent’s memorial on Find A Grave or similar website. It can be difficult for grieving family to stumble across an online memorial created by someone who did not know the loved one, particularly if the content of the memorial is poorly written or contains data about the decedent which family members did not want published. Most importantly, the family and friends of the deceased may be fellow gravers, professional genealogists, or individuals who simply want to personally honor a loved one by posting the memorial themselves. They should be given adequate time to do so.
6. Be truthful but kind to the memory of the individual you are memorializing – and also sensitive to the feelings of surviving family and friends who might come across your online memorial. When a child dies suddenly, it can take decades for parents to come to terms with their child’s passing. Photos taken of their child’s grave by strangers may feel intrusive or even disrespectful. If you are asked to remove the memorial, do so without argument or debate. It is simply the kind and decent thing to do for parents who are experiencing a pain like no other.
7. Focus on the positive when creating online memorials. Whether an adult dies tragically as the result of a terrible car accident or at home in bed is not the issue. What matters is how the decedent lived. It is never acceptable to post gory details of a car accident or homicide – or to focus more on the batterer or murderer than you do on the decedent. Retell the positive to help surviving family, friends and others who may come across your memorial to understand who the decedent truly was.
8. Go above and beyond the Golden Rule. Put yourself in the place of the family or friends of the deceased. Ask yourself if they might perceive your actions as honoring the memory of their loved ones – or as being disrespectful.
Image: Ancient Cemetery, Hartford, Connecticut, 2011. Source: The George F. Landegger Collection of Connecticut Photographs in the Carol M. Highsmith’s America, Library of Congress, Prints and Photographs Division (public domain).
The Contemplative Genealogist©™ 